From the wire:

Bush Declares War on Natural Disasters

New Orleans (JK)- President George W Bush made a statement today declaring a global war on natural disasters. In a speech to the national convention of the American Legion, Bush said, "We meet today in a time of war for our country, a war we did not start yet one that we will win.”

Invoking the words of Ronald Reagan, President Bush on Wednesday compared the war in the Gulf States and the fight against hurricanes to World War II and the battle against communism.

"We believe in Ronald Reagan's words that 'the future belongs to the umbrellas.' In some ways, this struggle we're in is unique," Bush told the graduates. "In other ways, it resembles the great clashes of the last century between those who put their trust in meteorologists and those who put their trust in liberty.”

“Our goal -- the goal of this generation -- is the same. We will secure our nation and defend the clouds through the forward march of silver nitrate."

When questioned on how it is even fathomable how a war on natural disasters could be won, he chimed back with “you’re either with us, or you are with the tornadoes”

He named the new axis of evil, Hurricanes, Earthquakes, and Wildfires. “we will take the fight to them, so they cannot take the fight to us” He stated in a full dress uniform of rubber boots, a fisher hat, and a Macintosh jacket. “To the tsunamis in the world, consider yourself warned- your days are numbered” was said in front of a “Mopping Accomplished” banner.

“Given the governments successes with other wars they have declared against drugs, crime, and terrorism we have nothing to fear.’ ‘We have the right man for the right time“ Was stated by White House spokesman Scott McClellan. “Clear skies and an end to plate tectonics are on the march.”

Cameron Betts, Just Kidding News Wire Daily